Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
