It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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