I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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