apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
