Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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