Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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