Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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