a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I see more hoeing in ur future
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
