remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
