he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
