I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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