I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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