Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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