dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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