there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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