I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
