I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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