and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
