think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sorry my hands just texted you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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