he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
