So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
