Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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