The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
