By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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