Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
try to milk me bitch
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