Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
