I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
