I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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