My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
