He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
