I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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