today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Your penis caused this!
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