well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
