Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
