i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
