some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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