my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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