hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
