I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
