come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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