So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
