Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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