ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
