I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
