i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
