Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
