New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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