I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
