oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
