I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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