When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
