Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
