I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
