Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
