when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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