textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
