For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
