i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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